Memories That Bind. And Gag.

They say familiarity breeds contempt. But mine is a curious case. Familiarity bred no contempt, because time robbed the familiarity. If I say familiarity is knowing what you eat, what you wear, what you do and what you think. But my definition surely lacks substance. I m sure it should be much more than that.

But looking at yesterday, I would still say you were familiar. Even though I don’t understand what it completely means. I thought you were with me when I laughed, when I cried, when I read, and hell, when I slept. You knew the passage I loved, you knew the soap I used, and you even knew the last movie I watched on my laptop. I used to be worried sick when you were not well, I always knew the joke that would make you laugh and I could tell in my sleep when you had to go to the tailor to collect your dress. If this is not familiarity, I don’t know what is.

Time hurts as much as it heals. Especially when I have too much of it and you too little of it. It makes me wonder who would want to listen to those stories I used to bore you with. Of course, wondering has produced no results so far. But I know you are caught up in no such web of trivial needs. You adapt and you adapt fast. And I try something neutral between admiration and resentment, but settle closer towards the latter. It is not your fault that you have a new pair of ears to fill in and it is definitely not your fault that we are looking at different things: you at the future and I at the past. The divergence is strangely unable to obliterate the memories I cling to. The ones I know I should not. But if you offer to erase them for me, I would politely decline. For I know they would be the only reminders of you, in the next many days to come… As Adichie says, “Heart is where home was”, and home is where familiarity is.

(Image Courtsey: http://fineartamerica.com/featured/the-loneliness-of-abuse-leisa-collins.html)

Yet Another Day, Yet Another Walk…

It was a chilly morning. As usual I had got up in time for the morning walk. It was snowing mildly and I made a mental note to carry my snow umbrella as I unleashed Timmy. He snuggled against my legs to drive away the chillness. I bent down and held his cold snout against my face for a minute and gave him a peck on his forehead. I put on my muffler. We went out and locked the door behind us and started our walk along the usual route. The road was deserted as sun's rays had not yet penetrated the thick clouds to lick away all the snow.

I stopped at my favorite coffee shop to buy a strong cup of black coffee and a salt less croissant for Timmy. Obama was smiling at me from a wet tabloid and I gave away the change to get myself a copy. Timmy snorted. He knew that he would be on his own now as I would drown myself into the tabloid. He tried to release himself from my grip, but knowing him as well as I did, I had anticipated this and had tightened my fist around the leash. I let him guide me as I started browsing the front page. We passed the familiar smells of morning blossoms near the joggers' track and the sounds of the snow crunching under the spikes of the early morning joggers.

I kept telling myself not to expect him on the track. He had been married just for a week and there would be no reason why he would come out for a round in this hostile weather. Was it the reason for me to choose a walk now despite the cold? I did not want to answer it. I knew he was married but was just not prepared to meet him yet. I tried to read carefully what Obama planned to do with the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq. I realized the futileness of the attempt and lowered my hand exasperatedly. Timmy gave an excited woof and got back an equally cheerful yap. My heart started racing. No! "Dear God, Let it not be Saber. Please", I prayed fervently. And uselessely.

Timmy freed himself in a flash and ran towards Saber. Both bit and smelled each other as if to convey how irresponsible we were to have kept them apart for more than a fortnight. I gathered my courage to look up and away from Saber. "Does the crooked grin ever leave his face?" I thought wearily. There he was, standing and smiling at me, as I wondered if he had been really away for fifteen days. The lines near his eyes were the same, the blue i-pod clipped to his t-shirt was the same, and the white tick mark on his black tracks was just the same… There was only one change though. He had company this time. From a little distance, she looked every bit as pretty as someone like him deserved to have. And I had no wish to observe her closely. Words escaped my mouth as I cursed myself for being so impolite towards his wife. "Hi!", I said feebly and extended my hand towards her. She smiled brightly as he introduced me to her.

I was afraid that the tears stinging would somehow escape my eyes. I looked away in the general direction of Timmy and Saber and remarked dumbly, "They have missed each other a lot, haven't they?". "Sure looks like it", he said. "Saber was terribly bored during the marriage too. No one could handle him smoothly. I managed to find some time for him in between the ceremonies, but I wished you were there."

I looked at his face to see if there was more to his words than what they conveyed. No clue. Inscrutable as always. "Huh-huh", I said perfunctorily.

"If it were not for the emergency bug fix, you know I would not have missed it for anything".

His face clearly showed that he did not buy one word of what I said.

Suddenly the alarm in his watch started ringing loudly. The same Sonata No. 28. He absent mindedly switched it off. My stomach lurched. Was he too unable to sleep? Or did he get up before the alarm to meet me? It would not have been difficult for him to guess the extent I would go to avoid him, at least presently. Or did he even realize that I had a reason to avoid him? I felt unsure as always.

"I have told her a lot about you" he said and put his arm on her shoulder lightly.

My shoulder seared like molten iron.

"I hope it was something nice!"I said.

"Of course!" he said. "I told her that you could beat me in the 800m dash we used to have sometimes".

I could not believe that it was all he could tell about me to his wife. I glanced at my watch. I could not bear to look at him directly.

"Let's give the dogs five more minutes and then we can move on" he said evenly. Damn! If he could understand the dogs so easily, what could have been so difficult about me??

The unspoken words formed a lump in my throat and obstructed my breathing.

"Is that all you could tell her about me?"

He beamed mischievously. Blood rushed to my face. I became conscious of his wife's presence. I did not want her to notice me. Him, he anyway does not…

Damn him.

He never extracted from me what he was to me. And he had always kept me unsure of what I had been to him.

He looked thoughtful. Probably he too was cursing me the same way. Or probably it was just wishful thinking.

"What are you thinking about?" I would have asked him under normal circumstances. But I reminded myself that he was now a married man and not eligible for receiving my un-identifiable passes at him.

"If you are free this weekend, why don't you join us for dinner?" his wife offered.

"Good idea. She will come. Wont you?" he said.

I felt like Scarlett O Hara for a minute. I was prepared to throw myself against a married man and ask what he felt about me. I gripped myself and said "I would love to! I will give you a call to confirm"

He looked sincerely happy. I felt sure this time that I had not mattered to him in that sense. Else would he not be experiencing the same conflict within? But here he is, genuinely happy about my coming.

It made me feel slightly better. After all, the decision not to open up without knowing his side was correct. I would have made a fool of myself.

"See you both then" I waved. He took out a hand kerchief from his pocket to wipe his forehead. It was the same he had picked up from my track pocket a few months back. Had he preserved it? Why? Was it his idea of some kind of indicator?

I felt dizzy. I was tired of such mental jigsaws.

"Come on Timmy", I violently pulled poor Timmy and started walking in the opposite direction, leaving him behind. His glance burned hot on my neck but I never turned back. Tomorrow is anyway another day…

To Be or Not to Be

"It was raining outside. There was not much for him to do. He was tired of reminiscing now. He wondered if he should go back to sleep. The nagging headache too was bothering him. Probably a visit to the doctor was imminent. He must tell his parents about it. Coming to think of it, he realized that he had not spoken to them for nearly a week. In fact he had not even been busy. They had not called him and he did not have anything important enough to call them up and tell. He was worried that it was fast becoming yet another thing he was getting used to.

Distant thunder brought him back to reality. He vowed to himself that he would find time somehow this month to make a visit home. He needed some space to clear his head. Wasteful thoughts had been practically clobbering him down. The glorified education was filling him with murderous rage. The futility of the learning, the philosophy behind the course, the vainness of the whole exercise mocked at him as they had been doing for a long time now. He did not want to know how to multiply money. He wanted to know how to create money. For those who did not have it. Reinvestment of the investment felt disgusting. It did not have the nice ring to as one meal-a-day to two meals-a-day. Rice with water to rice with dal was what he wanted to know about. But nobody near him knew about it. The course refused to talk about it. He wanted to kill himself for letting IRMA pass by when it came knocking.

He did not want to be a huge failure of an MBA earning peanuts when his class mates would be running corporations. He did not want to remain wistful seeing people LIVE life. But he did not want to work towards creating wealth for those who probably did not need it. Need it as in NEED and not WANT. He was torn between the niceties of life which come at a price on one side and the happiness which comes from obeying one's inner command on the other side. He did not want to travel the road not taken. But he knew he would have to return back to it sooner than later. What he would miss lest he treads the conventional path was clear to him but the question of whether he would miss them enough to give up the life he had dreamt of while growing up taunted and tossed him. He was troubled by his own double standards. He wanted to be rich but he did not want to do what pays money. He wanted to live in Mumbai but wanted to work for uplifting the villagers. He wanted to travel the world in a cruise yet wanted to make sure no kid goes to the bed hungry. If wishes were horses, he would have owned a million stables by then."

What I personally feel is that he is making the situation too complex for himself. He has a lot of time on his hand. All he needs to do is soul-search and come up with wishes which do not contradict each other. He just needs to steel himself and make the single major decision of his life: to be or not to be. If he decides not to be, he needs to have the maturity not to be guilty or attach any moral strings to it. If he decides to be, then it is important to stick to it and work smartly towards the cause, come what may.

To be or not to be??

Bogged by Boredom

I have been questioned a lot about what my orkut title means:

'CONSUMED BY ENNUI'

Consumed is defined as 'To destroy totally; Ravage' by dictionary.com
Ennui is defined as ''Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from excessive boredom' by the same source.

Listless is the word to describe me right now! Bull's eye !!!

Saw Taare Zameen par today and as is the general case with me, wondered if I have some kind of disorder which prevents me from proper planning and execution of things.
I mean, if planning can be so tough for somebody, need the execution be brought into the picture?

Clueless about what I am doing ! Got a call for SCMHRD and the inteview is on 31st Jan. Normally, I spend 2 hours with the newspaper everyday, reading all the editorials, letters to the editor, sports column, business updates.. You name it and I read it.But from the day the call came, I have been running away from the newspaper.. Have not read a single page completely !!

To top it, I have not attended 4/7 lectures TIME has planned for the SCMHRD call getters!What the heck is going on with me? Weird is the word to describe me..

And then work! God ! I groan at the very mention of the word.. When I thought it could not get any more monotonous, it proved me wrong and has pushed me into an unimaginable rut. I postpone going to the office till 1 pm everyday.Without having anything to do at home either.. The false sense of importance the organisation tries to induct makes me weary. The novelty and the sense of security you feel once you realise that you are learning, wears off once you realise that the path from there is obscure..

If any of these sound to you as the ravings of a depressed soul, visit some of my earlier posts !! You would know how I sound when I m actually depressed. This is some crazy mood. I want to be alone the whole day..n probably not do anything at all.
Without anyone to disturb me . In fact,there are very few people from whom I have been taking calls too.. Small talk with people is tiring me. Just in touch with some real close people from around a month. Not trying to undermine anyone's importance in my life. It s just that I don't want to upset anyone with my absolute lack of interest in the conversation.

The only two songs I enjoy these days are:
1. Tere bina from Guru
2. Lemontree from Fool's Garden

Do they give you some kind of insight? (After all,Bush's collection in his ipod led to all kind of pyscho analysis on what kind of a person he was! :P )

Watching NDTV Indians of the Year on NDTV side by side. Wonder how people like Rahman and Viswanathan Anand have managed to do the same thing for so many years with so much of perfection, improvisation and passion!! Or do they have personal pyschiatrists :P??