Celebrations: Expected and Not-so-expected!

Well, well, well, its double celebration for me today!! India wins that elusive world cup and Google decides to feature a photograph taken by me :) :)

https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/featured?feat=featured_all#

My mood is lifted from its nadir suddenly :)

Yet Another Day, Yet Another Walk…

It was a chilly morning. As usual I had got up in time for the morning walk. It was snowing mildly and I made a mental note to carry my snow umbrella as I unleashed Timmy. He snuggled against my legs to drive away the chillness. I bent down and held his cold snout against my face for a minute and gave him a peck on his forehead. I put on my muffler. We went out and locked the door behind us and started our walk along the usual route. The road was deserted as sun's rays had not yet penetrated the thick clouds to lick away all the snow.

I stopped at my favorite coffee shop to buy a strong cup of black coffee and a salt less croissant for Timmy. Obama was smiling at me from a wet tabloid and I gave away the change to get myself a copy. Timmy snorted. He knew that he would be on his own now as I would drown myself into the tabloid. He tried to release himself from my grip, but knowing him as well as I did, I had anticipated this and had tightened my fist around the leash. I let him guide me as I started browsing the front page. We passed the familiar smells of morning blossoms near the joggers' track and the sounds of the snow crunching under the spikes of the early morning joggers.

I kept telling myself not to expect him on the track. He had been married just for a week and there would be no reason why he would come out for a round in this hostile weather. Was it the reason for me to choose a walk now despite the cold? I did not want to answer it. I knew he was married but was just not prepared to meet him yet. I tried to read carefully what Obama planned to do with the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq. I realized the futileness of the attempt and lowered my hand exasperatedly. Timmy gave an excited woof and got back an equally cheerful yap. My heart started racing. No! "Dear God, Let it not be Saber. Please", I prayed fervently. And uselessely.

Timmy freed himself in a flash and ran towards Saber. Both bit and smelled each other as if to convey how irresponsible we were to have kept them apart for more than a fortnight. I gathered my courage to look up and away from Saber. "Does the crooked grin ever leave his face?" I thought wearily. There he was, standing and smiling at me, as I wondered if he had been really away for fifteen days. The lines near his eyes were the same, the blue i-pod clipped to his t-shirt was the same, and the white tick mark on his black tracks was just the same… There was only one change though. He had company this time. From a little distance, she looked every bit as pretty as someone like him deserved to have. And I had no wish to observe her closely. Words escaped my mouth as I cursed myself for being so impolite towards his wife. "Hi!", I said feebly and extended my hand towards her. She smiled brightly as he introduced me to her.

I was afraid that the tears stinging would somehow escape my eyes. I looked away in the general direction of Timmy and Saber and remarked dumbly, "They have missed each other a lot, haven't they?". "Sure looks like it", he said. "Saber was terribly bored during the marriage too. No one could handle him smoothly. I managed to find some time for him in between the ceremonies, but I wished you were there."

I looked at his face to see if there was more to his words than what they conveyed. No clue. Inscrutable as always. "Huh-huh", I said perfunctorily.

"If it were not for the emergency bug fix, you know I would not have missed it for anything".

His face clearly showed that he did not buy one word of what I said.

Suddenly the alarm in his watch started ringing loudly. The same Sonata No. 28. He absent mindedly switched it off. My stomach lurched. Was he too unable to sleep? Or did he get up before the alarm to meet me? It would not have been difficult for him to guess the extent I would go to avoid him, at least presently. Or did he even realize that I had a reason to avoid him? I felt unsure as always.

"I have told her a lot about you" he said and put his arm on her shoulder lightly.

My shoulder seared like molten iron.

"I hope it was something nice!"I said.

"Of course!" he said. "I told her that you could beat me in the 800m dash we used to have sometimes".

I could not believe that it was all he could tell about me to his wife. I glanced at my watch. I could not bear to look at him directly.

"Let's give the dogs five more minutes and then we can move on" he said evenly. Damn! If he could understand the dogs so easily, what could have been so difficult about me??

The unspoken words formed a lump in my throat and obstructed my breathing.

"Is that all you could tell her about me?"

He beamed mischievously. Blood rushed to my face. I became conscious of his wife's presence. I did not want her to notice me. Him, he anyway does not…

Damn him.

He never extracted from me what he was to me. And he had always kept me unsure of what I had been to him.

He looked thoughtful. Probably he too was cursing me the same way. Or probably it was just wishful thinking.

"What are you thinking about?" I would have asked him under normal circumstances. But I reminded myself that he was now a married man and not eligible for receiving my un-identifiable passes at him.

"If you are free this weekend, why don't you join us for dinner?" his wife offered.

"Good idea. She will come. Wont you?" he said.

I felt like Scarlett O Hara for a minute. I was prepared to throw myself against a married man and ask what he felt about me. I gripped myself and said "I would love to! I will give you a call to confirm"

He looked sincerely happy. I felt sure this time that I had not mattered to him in that sense. Else would he not be experiencing the same conflict within? But here he is, genuinely happy about my coming.

It made me feel slightly better. After all, the decision not to open up without knowing his side was correct. I would have made a fool of myself.

"See you both then" I waved. He took out a hand kerchief from his pocket to wipe his forehead. It was the same he had picked up from my track pocket a few months back. Had he preserved it? Why? Was it his idea of some kind of indicator?

I felt dizzy. I was tired of such mental jigsaws.

"Come on Timmy", I violently pulled poor Timmy and started walking in the opposite direction, leaving him behind. His glance burned hot on my neck but I never turned back. Tomorrow is anyway another day…

To Be or Not to Be

"It was raining outside. There was not much for him to do. He was tired of reminiscing now. He wondered if he should go back to sleep. The nagging headache too was bothering him. Probably a visit to the doctor was imminent. He must tell his parents about it. Coming to think of it, he realized that he had not spoken to them for nearly a week. In fact he had not even been busy. They had not called him and he did not have anything important enough to call them up and tell. He was worried that it was fast becoming yet another thing he was getting used to.

Distant thunder brought him back to reality. He vowed to himself that he would find time somehow this month to make a visit home. He needed some space to clear his head. Wasteful thoughts had been practically clobbering him down. The glorified education was filling him with murderous rage. The futility of the learning, the philosophy behind the course, the vainness of the whole exercise mocked at him as they had been doing for a long time now. He did not want to know how to multiply money. He wanted to know how to create money. For those who did not have it. Reinvestment of the investment felt disgusting. It did not have the nice ring to as one meal-a-day to two meals-a-day. Rice with water to rice with dal was what he wanted to know about. But nobody near him knew about it. The course refused to talk about it. He wanted to kill himself for letting IRMA pass by when it came knocking.

He did not want to be a huge failure of an MBA earning peanuts when his class mates would be running corporations. He did not want to remain wistful seeing people LIVE life. But he did not want to work towards creating wealth for those who probably did not need it. Need it as in NEED and not WANT. He was torn between the niceties of life which come at a price on one side and the happiness which comes from obeying one's inner command on the other side. He did not want to travel the road not taken. But he knew he would have to return back to it sooner than later. What he would miss lest he treads the conventional path was clear to him but the question of whether he would miss them enough to give up the life he had dreamt of while growing up taunted and tossed him. He was troubled by his own double standards. He wanted to be rich but he did not want to do what pays money. He wanted to live in Mumbai but wanted to work for uplifting the villagers. He wanted to travel the world in a cruise yet wanted to make sure no kid goes to the bed hungry. If wishes were horses, he would have owned a million stables by then."

What I personally feel is that he is making the situation too complex for himself. He has a lot of time on his hand. All he needs to do is soul-search and come up with wishes which do not contradict each other. He just needs to steel himself and make the single major decision of his life: to be or not to be. If he decides not to be, he needs to have the maturity not to be guilty or attach any moral strings to it. If he decides to be, then it is important to stick to it and work smartly towards the cause, come what may.

To be or not to be??

Catalyst on a boring day :)

The smirk is back.

There is a leap in my steps.
Constant flip flops inside
Some violent somersaults too!

The Tamil song in repeat mode
Dusting memories of yesterday..
The beauty of the lyrics
Creating a musical cascade within..

The key has been found
The lock has lost its value now!
The gush is exciting and familiar
Started on no less than a fourth gear!!

The constant hum disturbs hardly
Rather energizes oddly,
To match wits and class
To raise brows and smile!

An alert spine and a quick pulse
Sweaty palm just inches away
"Fantasy", you say?
"Most probably", I say!

Web is a blessing
Allowing me to stare at you from here!!
Much the same way I had
Without your blushing acknowledgment though :D

"Its weird", don't you say?
For a line to throw open the flood gates
But how do I care?
It brings me joy from nowhere!

This feverish excitement in all my joints
And the accusing heart making "its points"
No doubt are crossing bounds, but..
No complaints if I m entertained a few more rounds :)

To Bombay, With Love

The semester is coming to a close and this is to everything I have given up for it!
This is to those good days at work
The bad lunch and a fruit plate
The cheap, sweet tea
The tons of gossip to go along with it
The dingy apartment
My dirty bed without a cover
Books with yellow pages and faded prints
My laundry bag full of CAT material
Far yet close room mates
The late mornings
My love affair with The Times of India
Long baths with loud 9XM
Expensive deoderants
The leisurely Saturdays
Juhu's clay and calmness
Corn and groundnuts
Little Italy and New Yorker
The mystic ISKCON
PVR and Crosswords
Our own Bombay Blues Thali
Goodluck's upma
Fat Wallet
Breathtaking Bandstand
Tawdry bric-a-bracs
Sweaty locals
Stolen rides on the first class
Paan Spit and Pirated CDs
Wada Pav and autorickshaws
Shopper's stop n FabIndia
Mochas and Subway
Impulsive purchases
100 Rupees t-shirts
The 200 auto-fare on them
Rare visits to South Bombay
Wanderings along the Causeway
Second hand book stores
Fast food next to the urinals
Magnificent theatres
Concerts and Pop shows
Ogling at the mischievous couples
With a sigh of longing and a relief of staying clear
Occasional crushes in office
Of them moving on
And me too...
The monstrous city
Its neon flashes
Incessant rains
Wet dupattas on my chair handle
Night stays with friends
Oshiwara
Ahura Centre
Wet afternoons & Curd rice
DDLJ and K3G
Radio Mirchi and Red FM
Love Guru
Monthly drama for paying rent
Cold conference rooms

The feel of the I-card around my neck
Dirty puppies
Myself
Life..
What was and What is.

The Last Good Bye

This is to my Patti, the most, most wonderful person to have lived on this planet:

Written on the tenth day of her departure to the Heaven..

Patti, I wish you had not left us so suddenly..
Without our ever thanking you for the wonderful things you have done for us..
For all the sleepless nights you have spent when we were ill..
For all your prayers during our exams..
For all the encouragement during bad days..
For all the mirth and life you brought to the family..
For all the unconditional love you showered us with..

I can't believe you are gone..
I can still smell you sandal talc..
Your betel leaves and jasmine strands..
Can still hear your walking stick..
Your songs and proverbs..
Your playful scoldings ..
Your complaints on my staying out of home..
I can feel you from here..
Your wrinkled skin and warm palms..
Sharp nose and bony chin..

A fleeting thought about you and
Tears sting my eyes ..
I don't know how I would stand someone singing your favourite songs..
Someone quoting those proverbs..
Or commenting on my unironed dupatta..
I wish I could bring you back.
I wish I were with you the last few days.
I wish human life is not so short.

May you rest in peace with thatha.
You ll live as long as I do.
In my thoughts, words and heart.
Love you.

Here's Summer & Nostalgia !

March, April and May have a very special place in my heart. At least, they used to. Inspite of the scorching heat, I used to look forward to a lot of things ... Annual exams and the sense of achievement after completing them :) , Half a day school ... Mangoes , water melons and palm fruits ... House full of cousins ... Snakes & ladders, ludo and business ..Mugs and mugs of Rasna and so on..

In fact, 'The Making of Rasna' used to be a big ceremony in itself.. After hours of pleading, my grandfather would decide to give in and tell us to decide the flavour. That's it.. We used to turn the household into a Kurukshetra battlefield.. Each of us would want a different one. Ultimately we would settle down to one and thatha used to bring it home!!

A typical summer day would begin with all of us getting up at 6 'o clock because in April May Kanchipuram had those 'Varadarajar urchavams'. Urchavam is the tamil word for temple festivals. The deity used to be decorated and brought out in a procession to all the important streets of the town. After the deity passes our house, we had to take bath . This is technically that period of the day, when our fights start. Each would try to send the others to the bathroom and mom used to take arbitratry decisions on whom to call !!

After the bath and a sumptuous meal we used to doze off and get up in time for lunch. We would debate on what to play and would settle down for dice mostly. Those dark (curtains closed) , quiet afternoons with no sound other than the metallic clang of the dice hitting the floor remains the best memories of my childhood.

We were never short of mangoes and melons and would dig up a hole in our garden to sow the mango seeds. Today , there are 6 -7 trees in our yard and whenever we meet, we talk about which tree belongs to whom..

Boys used to play cricket in the evenings and girls used to watch them or give live commentary. They made sure that the girls do not remain cricket illiterate :D ! Heated discussions on who would retrieve the ball from our next compound or from the garden well were inevitable..And yeah, whether Sachin or Jayasuriya was the best!! When the racket used to exceed limits, thatha used to come and shoo us off..Then we had to content ourselves palying see-saw on the haystack.

Nights were fun..we used to play a stupid game called 'Kalla Manna' in the moonlight. The rules were simple. The 'Catcher' would stand on mud and rest would stand on cement. Those standing on cement should leave theirs,pass by the mud and stand on a different platform. In the transit, if he/she is caught, he will be the next catcher. When we used to become exhausted, we d sit down and start anthakshari and go on till it was time for bed.

Someday, we all used to get adventurous and demand that we be taken out like the 'other children'. Then amma and perimma ( mom and mom's sister) will plan a trip (to the temple in the next street :P) . We used to be very disiplined on the streets. Otherwise we would never get strawberry icecream from the only 'Arun ice cream' parlour in the town!! All the years , we never broke this tradition. Of going to that temple, playing hide n seek there, eating Arun icecream and coming home ecstasic..

This would go on for a month and a half and suddenly it would be June. Cousins would pack up and leave for Madras and all the sheen would be lost for a year. But we never used to mind because there was certainty in life. We knew that the next year would be the same. After all, we had amma and appa, thatha and paati to take care of us. .We were a beautiful family :) !!

Farewell 2006! Welcome 2007!

Well, it's time to bid adieu to 2006..

It has been a fairly uneventful year globally.No break through results from the scientific fraternity,No major sports event(except FIFA world cup),No movie or book becoming an astronomical hit, No untimely deaths of celebrities and thankfully no major natural or manmade disaster(except Mumbai blasts).India has done exceedingly well on the global front and cannot be ignored by the Western world any more.Markets are bullish and consumerism is on an all time high.Average salaries have gone up and even freshers are getting head hunted by IT organisations.An overall feel good factor prevails and may be 'India Shining'is more apt now than it was 2 years back.

Personally, I have gone through a rough time this year..New year dawned with the release of CAT-05 results.Though, they were not unexpected,it did spoil the mood and I guess the same mood continued for a major part of 2006.January saw the death of my beloved maternal grandfather and it shook me quite badly.More was in store..Much expected calls from Symbiosis evaded me..February and March saw me working furiously for a job in manufacturing sector.Needless to say, the effort went futile.April was time to fill people's autograph books with a heavy heart.The 'Dream-cum-true' life of 4 years was fast approaching an end and conversations in corridors of our hostel were interrupted by uncharacteristic silences when we thought 'How can I live without these people? '.May was packing time and we carefully avoided pals of 4 years,afraid that even if one breaks down, it would have an avalanche effect.

June and July came and went in a flurry with myself trapped in Coimbatore ILP devoid of my friends,computer and enthusiasm. True, I made some good friends during that period, but a 'at-home' feeling was missing. Came August, time to bid farewell to friends again.By this time, I was so tired of making friends and seeing them off that I vowed to myself that I won't befriend anyone to the level that their absence would give me a heart break and I have been true to my words till date :).Then,my paternal grandfather expired in October after a brief illness and left me grandfatherless ..September, October and Novemeber have all been the same.Me feeling blue all the time.Plus underconfident also.May be its work where I am way below the standards I set for myself.But,swear, I have made all humanly possible efforts to develop some interest in the field and learn something new.It just does not seem to happen.But I have given up worrying about it.I have no potential for it.That's all.After all, no one can perform well under all situations.

Did you realise the change in my tone?Yessss!That's my greatest achievement of this year.To slay all the demons in my mind.To stop worrying about what people will think of you and your abilities.I dont care two hoots about anyone now.I have set a clear goal and I am working towards it everyday(that too in the mornings!!!) and my confidence and concentration have grown manifold in just 15 days.Now I am looking forward for the new year eagerly.I know it cannot get me out this time for 2006 has made me wiser and more mature than what I was an year back.It tried to bog me down but I came out unscathed.2007, Are you ready for the game??